BC the Rapper

Last night at Scruff's, I sang In the Club as made famous by 50 Cents. The song's beat and encouraging message make it a favorite of mine.

Take the chorus for example:

You can find me in the club
Bottle full of Bub
Mommy I got the X
If you into taking drugs.
I'm into having sex
Not into making love
So come give me a hug
If you into getting rubbed.

Beautiful. It loses something in transaltion but for those not from H-town:

Looking for help? Come find me.
Have a few drinks. Enjoy some of my champagne.
If you're into drugs I'll help you through it;
We all have problems.
For example my mother didn't love me so I have attachment issues.
Come here and I'll give you a hug . . .
maybe a back massage.

For my illiterate readers, here's the message in picture form:

X's, hugs, back massages, bunny ears, support group for those with attachment issues . . . it's all there. Only thing missing is a 36 second YouTube video of me performing.

The Houseguest

Look up deipnosophist in the dictionary and the man on my left is what you'll see.

I brought my friend Chicago home for break and my family loved him. Especially mother. Over dinner Chicago was like, "Your family has beautiful knee caps Mrs. Clark . . . especially your eldest son. He looks strong. In Greek culture, strength is a timeless trait attributed to the mother's bountiful and nutritious suckling."

She tried to thank him but he wasn't done.

"This food tastes like my family used to make. It has the richness of a luscious Polish sausage with the undertones of a finely ripened apricot. You serve me like I'm your king. I appreciate that Mrs. Clark. Your hands are strong and your cooking is good. You must make your husband proud."

"Well thank yo . . ." she blurted out before Chicago continued.

"Houston is a beautiful city. It reminds me a lot of the old country but far more luxurious. Where I'm from we walked, but that's just because my grandfather made the most comfortable shoes. You try these shoes and you'll never want to wear other shoes again. Not that you need shoes. I'm sure you have beautiful toes."

"I appreciate that Chicago."

After a brief moment of silence, in an outburst with extra frisson, "I love your son. He's a good comrade. I would take him in to battle and fight the good fight. I want a woman whose probity is matched only by her willingness to make children. You have been a most gracious host and your food has given me both life and energy to continue my quest."

My mother said something in response, but her words fell on deaf ears. Chicago said he loved me and that's all that mattered.

Truth be told, he's my best friend and I love him too.

The Floater

"Swanburg" I pleaded," do you think I can hold on to your cooler? Last time I didn't have a cooler, people left me."

"Sure thing Britt but, remember, it's an important job that requires a lot of focus, concentration, and commitment."

Ten minutes later I saw Swanburg again and sure enough he asked why I didn't have the cooler.

"Fuck yo' cooler" I yelled.

Not knowing what to do next, I put on this face and made this shadow-puppet:

That's when Swanburg called me a "tool-fuck" and started swimming back towards the shoot where I'd lost the cooler and its contents just 5 minutes before.

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In other news:

This is the face I make when I think no one is looking.

This is the face I make whilst pissing myself.

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And before you ask, I don't know what it means to be a "tool-fuck" and it was a unicorn. My shadow puppet was a unicorn.

B.C. The Fisherman

Today, with the help of my best friends Swanburg and Charlie, I caught my first fish ever.


As you can see, Norman couldn't quite get the worm and Charlie made love to him. All-in-all, it wasn't Norman's best day.

Debate Superstar

I used come home from middle school and talk to my cat, Mr. Mistoffelees. I'd dress him up like a Senator; sometimes a princess and then we'd chat about things.

That's how I got into debate.

I started working the amateur circuit when I was 13; three years later I was unstoppable. Here's a picture of an interview I did with CNN at the NDT along with the accompanying transcript.


Reporter: What are you doing?
Me: Debating. Definitely debating.
Reporter: I meant in front of the girls' bathroom?
Me: Well Steve, can I call you Steve? If I've read that sign correctly, a female invalid should be rolling by any second.
Reporter: You're waiting for a woman in a wheelchair?
Britt: Steve, Britt knows what he wants and tonight he wants an invalid.
Reporter: Why would you want that?
Britt: When you resort to attacking the messenger and not the message, you've lost the debate.
Reporter: So what's the message?
Britt: Girls without legs can't run.
Reporter: Good point.
Me: Of course it's a good point. You're debating the B-Man . . . good points are the only kind he's got.

The Astronaut

I used to sniff a lot of glue and spend hours looking at the stars. Sometimes I'd bring my viola; sometimes it'd be just be me and the stars.

I guess I'm a lot like Eminem in that respect. We both loose ourselves in the music; we both reach for the stars. I've never met him but I bet we'd be friends. I bet we'd have a lot to talk about.

(Eminem at Space Camp '91)

Like I'd tell him my name is B. Clark and he'd tell me his name was B. Rabbit; I'd tell him stories from Space Camp and he'd probably just sit there and listen . . . maybe tell me some of his own.

Like this one time back in the summer of '94 . . . first day at Space Camp, very first day. Me and a bunch of the flight crew were standing around, and I see this girl. All the other guys were too nervous, so I go up to her . . . in front of everyone . . . and I'm like, "Hey, are those Space pants?" There was a pause and I was like, " Bamm . . . because your ass is out of this world!!!"

Using bamm in a sentence was kind of my Space Camp trademark, but get this . . . they really were Space pants!!! Can you imagine? The guys and I were fucking dying. My one friend with a spastic colon laughed so hard he shit himself. Scouts honor, Lyle laughed so hard he shit his pants.

Oh the good ole days . . . we were crazy back then.

BC: The Violist

There I am eight-years old, $3 in my pocket, nothing in my stomach but the remnants of my last trick. I say to my dealer, "I need to get high," to which he replies, "I got just the thing."

I put out my hands and what does he hand me? I shit you not he hands me a viola.

"A viola" I yell, "how's that going to get me high?"

He looks me in the eye and says, "Just play it son . . . just play it."

So that's how I started playing the viola . . . true story.


Anyway, I work my way up the viola playing ranks and people take notice. I'm kind of a big deal, kids at school know me, I get high-fives, that kind of thing. Anyway, All-State tryouts are up for grabs and they want me to do this Mozart number. I can't do it in warm-ups. I keep saying to myself "you can, you can do it Britt, I know you can, just trust it" but it wasn't happening.

Warm ups are done and I walk in for the real deal and you know what happened? I just start fucking screaming. I swear. I just start yelling and cursing like I have Tourette's and next thing you know I'm belting out this song on my viola. It was wild.

And you know, looking back on it, that's when I knew what my dealer was talking about . . . making All-State Viola was the highest I ever felt.